letters to the boys, left outside their doors

Bradley,
I know you'll probably be upset that I'm not here. I'm sorry for that. But I don't think any good can come of my continuing to be here. Not right now. I can't begin to describe how I'm feeling, and I sort of don't think I deserve to, either. I did something wrong, or possibly a whole lot of somethings that were wrong, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I led you astray. I know you want to blame yourself for things, but trust me, none of this was your fault. It was mine. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Please don't continue to blame yourself for anything, absolutely nothing that happened is anything but my fault. I wish you the best, and thank you for everything you've done for me. I appreciate it all, and don't know how I could ever really hope to repay you. Again, my sincerest apologies.

Hayley

p.s. I would appreciate it if you didn't look for me. I will be fine.

Misha,
I don't know how to say this, besides to first say that I'm sorry, and I never meant to hurt you. I'm leaving the commune, because I've messed up, and I think it's for the best that I'm not there anymore. God, Misha, I'm so sorry, I won't blame you if you hate me. I kissed Bradley. I guess with everything happening, with everything that's gone on, with him being there all the time, and trying to help me solve my issues and everything, I developed feelings. And I know we weren't dating, but I still feel like I betrayed you. Like I betrayed everyone, really, including Bradley. He didn't deal with it very well either, he had this look in his eyes, he was just so sad. And I think it's because of what you and I started before what happened to me.

I know that I was the only one who was trying to crack the fantasy, but maybe right now him having it intact is best. I tried to convince him that I was the evil villain witch type of character in his story, though I don't believe it took. Maybe you could help with that. I don't want him blaming himself, even if he seems to want to. I have to be perfectly honest with you, Misha, and that's to clear Bradley's involvement here. He didn't make a move, he didn't initiate anything. I brought it up, I kissed him, this is all my fault and mine alone. I think he just wants to blame himself because he doesn't want to blame me, and that's just not right. What you two have together, your strength of friendship, that 'brothers' bond you have--that's the most important thing here. I really believe that. You guys need each other, and I can't believe I even did anything ever that might jeopardize it, and I pretty much hate myself right now for this entire thing. Again, I can't tell you how sorry I am, and I wish I could take it all back. I know I can't with you, I understand if you'd never want to speak to me again.

I'll never stop caring about you. You're the sweetest, most sensitive and adorable guys I have ever been blessed to know. I didn't deserve you. I really hope someday you find someone who is worthy. For Bradley, the closest I could come to taking it back is what I was talking about, convincing him I'm not exactly the maiden in the story. Maybe if you guys say the same things, it'll stick. Then he can go on with his life, and not feel some burden that he did something wrong when he didn't, and it'll be easier for him to not try and find me to do whatever it is he might do. I have no idea. If I'm just the villain he got duped by then survived, then maybe it just means he'll gain another level or something. I hate the manipulation here, I just think it's for the best, and maybe you guys are right. That the fantasy is what he needs. So, maybe this'll plug up some of the cracks I put in it.

I'm sorry. I wish I was still the person you met. I wish you the best, and I'm sorry I won't be there to help at the memorial. I'll still make sure that the materials to make it are there, and all the other supplies. If there are flowers on the site, it's because I arranged for them to be there.

Hayley