private handwritten journal

It probably says something that we had to get away entirely to be able to do that, huh? Part of me feels very guilty. I really hate that, because I don't want to be feeling guilty about anything. I want to feel like I'm entitled to a little vacation with Dean. And I do feel that way. But I guess it's just against my nature somewhere deep down to feel entitled in general. I've never been the type to think the world or anyone or anything in it owed me anything. So it goes against that.

But still, I needed this. Dean I think did too. We've been so wrapped up in everything sometimes I feel like there's stuff that has happened and we never even really got to deal with it. Like the stuff in Manchester. I know we got home and immediately locked ourselves in his closet, but did we deal? Did we really deal? Or were we worried about the boys, and knew we didn't have the ability anymore to just disappear for more or less a couple of days while we decompressed? That we had responsibilities to attend to, in the form of four traumatized boys?

I think both Dean and I are the type of people who don't deal well with thinking we're not living up to our expected responsibilities. Add on top of that that we're also the types who are very responsible and you've got two people who kind of stress over everything.

We've gotten better at things over time, sure, but I do just wonder if this was required. And maybe that I shouldn't consider us doing this on a regular basis. Not all the time or anything, but maybe once every few months. Or maybe after huge badness. Take a few days, go the hell away, and live a different life for just a tiny sliver of time.

Maybe that's it! I didn't think about it in so many words, I don't think, but writing it down, it feels like the right way to put it. We came here, and it feels like we're living a different life for a little bit. It felt like that in England too. Like everything was different. Here, we're just two people on vacation together, having a nice time, and liking looking around and seeing the sights. We're just two people who came here, we're in love and happy with each other, and we're taking the time to have a good time.

We aren't like that at home. There, we're people who have a whole lot of responsibilities laid out. He's got a job, and a little brother around that kinda drives him nuts. He's got a protector around that he usually feels like he has to protect, and then there's me. He's always protective of me. I once thought about it like he never wants anything to happen to me on his watch, and he never stops watching. That's who Dean is when we're home.

And me, I'm that girl who died last summer. I'm the girl who makes sure no one else goes down on her watch, and sometimes that means I do. I'm the girl who tries to take care of everyone and I don't know how well I do with that, and I worry about it. Dean's always on watch, and so am I. I think we just watch for different things.

I don't want to trade my life. I'm not unhappy. I'm with the boy of my dreams, I live in a beautiful house, I have great friends, and recently I even found out exactly what it would be like to trade that life. It's so weird to think about, but I think I was happier even with everything that happened. That I had more people around me that were important, more friends, more loved ones than I did if I'd never died. Maybe I had to lose everything and everyone to become the person who had all those things. I think at one point, Dean would have been upset with that idea. That he'd want me to keep thinking Lullaby and Thia were the same girl, but I think we all know differently now.

I'm still dealing with that. I'm doing a good job of covering, I think. I can sort of work out what the 'right' reactions are, and it's easier when it's just the two of us. Though that's also when I have the strongest 'wrong' reactions too. It makes sense, in my head, though. Dean was the most important person in Lullaby's life too, even if she wasn't as close to Dean as I am. He was her best friend.

It's odd to know the path not traveled, though. For me, it's weirdest just seeing the concessions made. Like for Lullaby, she gave up. Dean got twitchy when she got close to him so she gave up and only handed out hugs sparingly. She never really got to the stage where she'd kiss his cheek, or do any of the other affectionate things I did. For me, I needed the contact with him. I needed him, in general, he made me feel safe, he made me feel like it was okay that I wasn't okay. That either way he'd still be there anyway, no matter who I came out as on the other side.

It's also weird to know that he managed to do a lot of protecting me as Lullaby--but it was by making sure that I wasn't anywhere near the action. He had me hide, and I listened, and it made me useless. It made me so much less strong of a person. Here, he always wants to protect me, but we found a middle ground. And these days he knows I can handle myself, period, and we work best together.

Two different lives, and this is the one I choose. It doesn't matter if I've died, more than once. It doesn't matter that I know what that feels like, that I get terrified every time I blink out, that the new moon fills me with dread. In the end, everything I've been through has been worth it. I know that for a fact.

What I really hope is that it's all been worth it for Dean. And with the wish, and everything we talked about with it, both before and after, sometimes I wonder. I know he wouldn't trade me. Not really. That hadn't ever been on the list of things to do. I wonder if he's as okay with his life as I am with mine. Maybe we should talk about that sometime. Probably we should. Just not tonight. Tonight we're talking about our day. Tonight we're going to look at the stars for a while.

I'm not going to think about Megan, and how I need to have a talk with her. I'm going to trust that Tad is feeling better, and doing okay. I'm trusting that Nic's alright even if she isn't with us, and is maybe having a good time with her own little mini vacation from being a protector. I am trusting that the boys are going over and feeding BB while they're playing video games in the den. I trust that everyone's taking care of themselves, and the world isn't going to fall apart because Dean and I need a break.

We don't hold up the world, it just feels like that sometimes.

Time to feel burdenless.