sorting it out

Where do I want to be in life? What do I want to do? Who do I want to be? What's most important?

A week ago I would have said my friends were the most important thing in my life. I guess that's not really inaccurate, because I have other friends. I have Roxie, Meg, Dean and Thia. But I'm not as close with them as I was with Kaysen and Porter. But I guess that's done. Door closed.

Funny how that works since they walked through a fucking door together.

Alright. Stop focusing on them and focus on moving on. What do I want to do? I want to protect people. I want to hold back that darkness. I can feel it in me, I can feel it around me. I don't want anyone else to die. Not like that girl at the hospital. Not like Medea. (assuming she's dead of course). I don't want anyone else to hurt. I don't want anyone else to cry. I want to keep the people around me safe. If that means going back to hunting then sure. I'll hunt the things that go bump in the night. Of course I'll have to convince Hunt to help me again, but he might be willing. I am doing better. I feel better.

Most days.

I want to feel close to people, but I dont' want to hurt anyone else. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm better off without friends right there, but that seems to damn lonely. I don't really want to be lonely. If I wasn't lonely I'd be some sort of lone warrior. How awesome would that be? Like the costume I had in Germany. That was just awesome. The battered and broken warrior.

I want to be the hero. Maybe just once. I want to do the right thing, react the right way. Say the right thing at the right time. I want to figure out what's happened to me lately because I'm tired of not knowing. I want to get through this and get better.

I want to help people. I don't want what happened to Kaysen and Porter to happen to anyone else. She gave up, he gave up. Whatever was going on here got to be too much for both of them and they fucking ran away. I want to be the person that someone can lean on when it gets to be too much or the person who takes it away. I want to be that guy. The one who fixes things, not the one that breaks them.

What's important? Hope that it gets better.

That it has to get better.