still brothers

Who: Misha and Brad
Where: Commune
When: Morning

Misha hadn’t slept but he hadn’t really expected to. What he had expected was to be pissed off all night. He spent a lot of time going over the spells he had, working on some of the spells he’d been thinking of, and reworking the balm so that he could make some for himself without thinking about the balm he’d made for Hayley. It hadn’t worked.

Which lead him to the kitchen, where he was now, making an afternoon tea just for the caffeine it would provide. He had his heaphones in, Noelle’s bracelet on his arm, and was watching the kettle, waiting for it to wail that the water was ready.

Bradley had slept but not much better. He’d woken violently, shaking out of his nightmares with a yelp. He was drenched in sweat, panting like he’d just run a marathon and half shaking. He sitting up he waited, waited for the fantasy to take over, to ease the memory of the nightmares, even if he didn’t consciously realize that was what normally happened. This time it didn’t quite happen, or not like it used to. The fantasy didn’t fill in all the gaps and didn’t stretch like it should.

Eventually the cold sweat subsided, but he was still a little shaky as he got out of bed, pulling on a shirt with his pajama bottoms and heading downstairs. He needed something, anything, to shake it. He lingered outside of Hayley’s door, or what used to be her door he guessed. That didn’t help either, emphasizing the feeling of loss. Shaking his head he made his way to the kitchen, finding the next best thing to Hayley there waiting.

Misha wasn’t speaking to him, it didn’t take a genius to figure that out. That didn’t help the feeling of loss either. Reaching out as he passed Misha, he touched the guy’s shoulder. He knew that he had the headphones on and wouldn’t hear him. He kept moving to the fridge, looking for something to settle him.

He jumped a little at the feeling of Bradley's hand on his shoulder. Misha didn't want to say anything and he didn't really want Bradley to touch him, but he had to wonder if Bradley hadn't, would that had made him angry too? He wasn't really sure what Bradley or Hayley could do to make this better for him. Misha shut his eyes for a moment, quiet until the whistle of the kettle sounded out over his music. He'd made more than one cup of water out of habit, used to making food for everyone when he could. But this time, he poured his glass of tea first, feeling like it was high time that he started taking care of himself too. So he took his tea and sat down, leaving Bradley to fix his own sandwich or whatever he wanted to do and hoping to quell the bitter thought that maybe Bradley would pick the same kind of sandwich Misha wanted just because they seemed to be liking the same stuff now anyway. He shook his head, determined to not be the first one to speak. He didn't need to speak anyway. There wasn't anything else to say.

Bradley looked up as the kettle whistled and watched his friend make one cup of tea and sit down. There was a moment of debate on his features and then he took out the container of orange juice and poured himself a glass before joining Misha at the table. He watched the other boy, quiet, trying to read what Misha was thinking without saying anything. Eventually he got nothing and gave in to needing to speak. “Did you sleep?”

His music wasn't so loud that he couldn't hear Bradley and the words came through, but muffled. Tugging the earbuds out, he glanced at his friend with bags under his eyes. "No," He said instantly, looking from Bradley to the cup of tea again. Not even the warmth of the tea was comforting. "Going to the memorial site today."

Bradley nodded, thinking that it made sense that his friend hadn’t slept. They hadn’t had a good day and he was surprised even he managed to sleep. “Do you want me to go with you? I can help.” Things had changed, but the memorial was supposed to be for everyone. For their friends, Hayley’s friends, anyone and Bradley had promised to help.

Misha wanted to say no, that he wanted to do this alone, but he needed the help and practically, he couldn't build a memorial all alone. Besides, it was still about Bradley too. It was for everyone. "Noelle would want you there," He said gently, not really admitting that he would want him there.

They were bringing up his sister. That’s how bad things were. Memories of the young girl came back stronger than they had before, slipping through the cracks of his fantasy. “Then I’ll be there,” Bradley said with a nod. He was quiet again, sipping his juice before looking up at Misha again. “And us?” he asked. As confused and muddled as his mind was, there was no way he could miss that things were rough between them. Give what had happened, Bradley was also rational and lucid enough to know that Misha had a right to be mad at him. Even if he was still thinking of Hayley, worrying for her safety as well as craving her presence, he knew that she wanted him to take care of Misha now, which was something that Bradley couldn’t do if Misha wanted nothing to do with him.

Misha glanced up at Bradley and put the tea down. "I'm mad," He started, very seriously. "But it's not going to change anything. Not going to stop what happened or what will happen. You're my brother, Bradley, but sometimes brothers fight." He watched him for a moment and shook his head. "What more do you want, Bradley? I'm mad. Tell me you wouldn't be the same."

Bradley was quiet as he mulled it over, trying to put himself in Misha’s shoes. Ironically enough he might be less mad, upset, but still less mad because it would have been Misha and Misha was a hard person to be angry with. Bradley realized though that he was much easier to be mad at and nodded. “I would be too,” he agreed. “Are you mad at me for the same reasons you’re mad at Hayley? Because you have to clean up the mess?” What Misha had said the day before had struck deep, giving voice to a feeling that Bradley thought he was alone in feeling. He thought he was the only one who thought he was a mess, not that everyone else was in on the feeling as well. “Because you don’t have to. I’m fine on my own.” That was a blatant lie. If he was fine on his own he wouldn’t be here, forcing his quiet friend to speak to him, to tell him what was broken so that he could patch it back together.

He had to stop himself, to think back to what he'd said and as soon as he realized it, he felt his stomach drop. Even if he was mad at Bradley, that was never what he meant to say. "No..Brad, no. You're not...no no, that's not what I meant." He said, looking at his friend seriously. "I'm mad that she decided you needed to be different and when things changed, she left you that way. That she didn't stay to help you. Bradley...You aren't a mess. I'm sorry I said that."

Bradley shook his head slowly, hair falling in his eyes. “I am,” he said softly, looking at the half empty glass in his hand. “It’s true, I am. But you aren’t responsible.” He was self aware enough now to know that he was a muddled mess, a confusion of selves and thoughts that didn’t quite add up to whole. “I never meant to hurt you. I don’t think she did either. She wanted to leave and I...I couldn’t let her go.”

"Bradley, just...don't even think about that right now." He needed to not bring Hayley and Bradley into what was going on with Bradley, even if he thought it connected. "You aren't a mess, Bradley. You needed help and I said...I said mean things and I'm sorry." Maybe this was why he shouldn't talk. "I want you to be happy like you used to be."

“You were telling the truth,” Bradley said, voice quieter than usual. He traced one finger along the rim of the glass, thinking how it felt like that now, like moving in circles. “Was I happy? Maybe.” He looked up slowly, letting out a deep breath. “Will this get better? Between us?”

“You smiled. That meant something.” Misha said seriously, looking at Bradley but falling quiet when he said that. “You’re my brother, Brad. Would never let us fall apart. I just...want to be mad for a while. Maybe not at you or at her specifically but just mad. I can be that way, can’t I? And you can feel whatever you want to feel too. You know that, right?”

“No one says you can’t be mad,” Bradley said, not commenting on his smile. He’d have to find it somewhere, but he was starting to think it might be linked to Hayley. “But what if how I feel is missing her?” Then what? That might not be allowed, at least not by Misha.

He didn't want to talk about this. He really didn't want to talk about this. "You're allowed to miss her, Brad..." He said, looking down at his hands to touch the bracelet there. "I don't get to decide how either of you feel."

“Unless it makes you feel bad. Or worse. I can’t do that to you,” Bradley admitted as much as it hurt to do so. He wanted to be with Hayley, in some capacity, but he didn’t want to lose his bond with Misha. Sitting here, looking at his brother, he knew Misha was more important and that even if Bradley wanted to be with Hayley, it wasn’t an option if Misha stood in the way. The whole thought process was against the fantasy, surprisingly less muddled and it brought on a dull ache to his forehead. Closing his eyes he pushed at the pain, trying to ignore it and keep thinking, keep holding on to what he could piece together.

Sitting there, watching his brother like that, Misha sighed and shook his head. "Bradley, stop it. You aren't doing anything to me. You're doing something for you. You're just as important as me." He didn't want to be sitting her, pep-talking Bradley into dating Hayley, the girl he liked, but it looked like that was what was happening now. And frowning, he looked down again. "I want you to do what is right for you, Brad."

“What’s right for me might be wrong for you,” Bradley said, looking at the table, then looking at Misha. That seemed important.

Misha shrugged a little. "Brad, stop. Seriously, stop. What do you want?" He asked, looking at his friend again. "Because that is what matters."

Bradley was quiet still, watching Misha. “I want both of you. I don’t want to feel bad about what happened or if something else happens, but I don’t feel right without both of you.” They were his grounding rods and now that his fantasy was falling apart, he needed that.

Misha shook his head. "Brad...I don't exactly want to be around the two of you together right now. I told you. You two do whatever you need to do but please don't ask me to be there when you do." He shook his head a little bit more. "I don't know that I can be happy for the two of you right now. .I don't think I can be there when you want to spend time with her. Someday, but right now? I don't know..."

“But...being with her, no matter how it works out, you won’t approve, no matter what?” Bradley asked. He understood that his friend was upset and that his friend had a right to be upset. “I know you don’t want to be there, I know you can’t be happy, but I can’t bear you hating me over it. I don’t think it’s worth that.” It wouldn’t be that easy to say to Hayley, but with Misha here, it was easier to make that decision.

"That's not what I said, Brad..." When did they stop making sense to each other? Frowning, he looked down at his cup again. "I might approve later, some time when it's not just happened." He was already so tired of this that he wanted to go back to his room and sleep, but he couldn't move yet. "I want you to do what is best for you, Brad, whatever that is. And I'll be there for you no matter what. Just...I'll need time for some of it."

Bradley was quiet, raising his eyes to watch Misha. Reaching out he rested his hand on his head. He ruffled his hair slightly and nodded. “Take all the time you need.”

Misha nodded a little. "Thank you," He said, looking down at his cup of tea again as he finally sipped at some of it. For now, he wanted to sit here and try and figure things out, to try and stop thinking about what had happened. "If you want to talk..about anything...I'm here."

Bradley shook his head, not wanting to talk about anything else. “I’m fine,” he said even if it wasn’t true. He wasn’t okay but what was there to say? He was the mess Hayley had left behind, even if Misha didn’t want to believe it. He got up from the table, putting his glass in the sink. “I’m going to run, see if it helps. Let me know if you want to talk as well.”

"...Do you want company?" Misha asked, looking over at him. He wouldn't keep up with Bradley but he would get some exercise and maybe it'd be nice to get out of the house. Still, either way, he'd understand if Bradley didn't want him there.

Bradley looked back at Misha, surprised that he wanted to join them. “Sure,” he said nodding. It wasn’t much, but it gave them a chance to start their way back to where they’d been. “When you’re done with your tea.”

Maybe it would help. He finished off his tea and stood up to rinse the cup out then heading towards the stairs. "Lemme change," He said, smiling a little bit for the first time since they started this conversation.