urges

Who: Bradley and Hayley
Where: the beach
When: afternoon

They’d already had a plan in place, spending time together at the beach before the conversation Bradley had had with Oz. It was a whole thing, an afternoon by the water, somewhere Hayley knew about that wasn’t really around anyone else, but at the same time not just cooped up in her room.

The conversation with Oz had left him curious and uncomfortable since he’d had it, and he’d been too eager to get back with Hayley again and ask her about things. He didn’t know what it would mean for them or what she’d think, but it had been on his mind since he’d met up with her, tugging at a frayed piece of his jeans nervously as he sat with her. “I think we should talk,” he finally managed, glancing up at her.

Hayley had been more or less sitting there marveling at the fact that she could sit on a beach again. That Bradley made her feel safe. And sure, it wasn't dark out and maybe she'd always be afraid of the beach at night or something, but right now it felt good. It was sunny, the breeze off the water was cool but pleasant...annnd then he said something like that.

Immediately, her anxiety level hiked up a good ten notches. Was this it? Was this where he told her that he couldn't do this sort of thing to Misha, and he'd made a mistake, and they couldn't be together? Or maybe now that he was sort of much more normal than he'd been before, that he wanted to go have a life that didn't involve things like werewolves? A million terrible things crossed her mind as she stilled, looking at him sideways. "What about?" she heard herself say, and while it was possibly quieter than usual, it at least wasn't shaking. She was holding a good amount of her freak out in.

“Um...” Bradley started, not able to look at her and looking at his lap instead, rubbing at the back of his neck while he tried to find the words. “I talked to...to Oz? About mating...” How was he supposed to explain this without being completely awkward? He was guessing that it wasn’t possible.

His not looking at her was not helping. Though when he mentioned Oz, she blinked in confusion. "I--" she started, then the word 'mating' sank in and she was staring at him. "Huh?" she asked. "Mating? I...er...I'm confused." She wracked her brain for everything she'd associated with the word. Wasn't that what animals did? Wait. ohhh. It clicked in sooner than she would have liked. She'd been told something about that when she'd been hit with everything else about being a werewolf. That it 'might effect your dating life'. Was this what they'd been talking about? "...what's he said?"

Bradley winced slightly having hoped she already knew about things. Taking a deep breath he forced himself to look at her, to really say what he’d been told. “He said that if we...if we...you know. That we’d be bound. Together. And you’d not be able to get over it. You’d always be...”

Even if his wording wasn't the best, that had basically been what she'd taken from people when they'd said it to her. It just hadn't been something that she'd been even remotely worried about while she'd been healing and dealing with being a werewolf in the first place. Now she wished she'd paid better attention. "I...I remember something like that. Like they told me they...they said something about wolves, and how they don't leave their partners." she stumbled over her words, knowing her cheeks were heated up and she felt like she was blushing to her toes.

“Yeah...he said that’s what happened to him and Sophie. Other things, that’s fine,” he said making a vague gesture and thinking about what they’d done in her bathroom. “But that, that’ll bind us. And if something happened and I left you’d be done for. He said he lost his head when she left after they’d mated. She came back eventually but he said it’s hard.” Bradley let out a breath and looked at her curiously, thinking her blush was cute even in the circumstances.

Hayley wasn't looking at him, she was staring at the sand. She sort of wished the earth would come swallow her. "...so is this where you tell me that it's time we broke up, because it's probably physically impossible for you to find another girl in the entire world with more baggage than I've got?" she asked. That's what she was thinking. Because jesus. There was the best friend's girl thing, there was the werewolf thing, there was the pushing him to be normal while no one else had wanted that thing, and now apparently, if they followed the natural course of their physical relationship, it was going to mean they had to stay together forever, or she'd wind up heartbroken, alone and unable to move on. She was sort of remembering someone mentioning that too. That she needed to choose very carefully.

Bradley was wishing the world would swallow him up but for different reasons. This was uncomfortable to talk about because he’d never really talked openly about this sort of thing, at least not with a girl. What she said had his entire face changing and he moved closer to her, wrapping his arms around her. “What? No. That’s not at all what I was going to say. Why would you think that?” He’d been considering the exact opposite, of seeing to that he wouldn’t lose another person.

She leaned against him, an automatic sort of reaction. "Do you want a list?" she asked. "There's the Misha thing, the werewolf thing, just...seems like there's a whole lot. And now this too?" she shook her head, drawing in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. "I don't even know what to say. I don't know what to do. I just...I'm sorry, Bradley."

He shook his head, keeping her close to him. “Don’t apologize. We didn’t even know if it was going to go there.” That was probably a lie, he’d thought about it, and he was sure it had crossed her mind as well. “We can just go slow. And then maybe..think about what we want.”

Hayley had to disagree with that. She didn't say it out loud, because she realized that put her firmly in 'slut' territory, but she knew with how she felt about him, and particularly how things felt when they were doing things? Yeah. That's exactly where it was going. She'd never been the type who was even thinking about sex previously, but the wolf in her and maybe just being with Bradley definitely put that at the forefront of her mind sometimes. Though with him saying that, she wondered if maybe he didn't want her like she wanted him. Like she was misinterpreting situations, or she was too wrapped up in her own mind and feelings. Which was scary to say the least, and didn't that just lend credence to the idea that she was going to become hopelessly lost in him and there'd be nothing for it? God. It had her drawing away, frowning as she pulled what she had before--the inability to really look at him as she kept her gaze on the sand instead. She realized that she probably needed to speak, but she didn't have words.

Her pulling away hurt, but he didn’t drag her back to him, not right away. “What’s wrong?” he asked, trying to duck his head more to see her eyes. He was getting the feeling that he’d said something wrong, which given how out of depth he was here was possible. “Do you..do you want me to break up with you because of it?”

She didn't know the answer to that. "...it might be in your best interest." she said dully, still looking at the sand. She curled up on herself a little. "I'm sorry." she added. "And nothing, just...me." That was pretty much the truth and the simplest answer all in one.

“You’re apologizing for nothing,” Bradley pointed out, reaching out to brush at her hair a little. “I don’t want to break up with you. I don’t...I don’t really think being with you forever would be such a bad idea either.” He pulled his hand away, looking at the sand himself. “Unless you don’t want me around. I know I’m not the best choice for that sort of thing so I’d understand.” That would suck though, hearing that he wasn’t good enough. “What about you? I don’t think you is an acceptable reason.”

She looked over at that, frowning as she watched him. "What do you mean you aren't the best choice? How so?" she asked. As far as she was concerned, he was fine. Sure, he'd had issues, but he'd gotten past them and while she was sure there was still healing to do, he was doing better. Much better. He was healing, if she was right in her assessment. "And...me just...I don't know. When I'm with you, when we're..." she made a vague gesture, again blushing furiously. "You said you didn't know if things were heading there. But for me? They definitely were. Maybe not like, really super soon, but I..." she ducked her head. "I do want you." she finished her thought, a mumbled statement.

“I’m a headcase Hayley,” Bradley pointed out plainly because he was. Very much a headcase who was inches from having different personalities. He had nightmares, he was scared of his own shadow some days and jousting shadows other days. Not exactly life partner material. “I said that mostly because I was trying to help and trying not to sound awful by saying that I’d thought about it...a lot...” He trailed off as she finished, that last mumbled comment that he only barely heard. “I do...want you too.”

"No, you're a guy who went through a lot, and you're coming out of it. You're getting better. I won't." Hayley said, meaning that. She didn't really want him to think he was going to be broken forever, or that he was just the 'headcase'. He would be okay, she had faith in that. "I think about it when we're together. And I might have had a couple dreams." she admitted. "I thought with what you said that maybe I was the only one who was on that page."

“Some stuff won’t change, but you’ll get better at dealing with it,” Bradley said with the same assuredness that she’d said her part. He believed that, that she’d get better in her own way even if she stayed a wolf. “Dreams? You’ve had dreams too?” he asked shaking his head. “No, you aren’t the only one on that page at all.”

She gave him a quirk of a smile. "yeah, I dream about you." she told him. Then she sighed and looked back at the sand. "I don't really know what to do here." she admitted. "I mean, if this is true, and I'm going to assume it is, then that's...a huge commitment."

The tiny smile from her got one out of him, and a curious look, wanting to know more. “I don’t think there’s any way it’s not true. Oz was talking about marriage and stuff.” He let out his own sigh, looking at her. “What...what would you want to do?”

"I have no idea. I mean...I don't know. How do you sign up for something like that?" she asked. "Especially at our age. And I don't know if it would change things? I mean, will I still feel the same or will I suddenly be some obsessed stalker chick?" she posed. "What do you want to do?"

“I don’t know how you do, but I can’t.. I can’t imagine you not being around. I don’t want to. When you left the commune I didn’t even make it a day before I was tracking you down, begging you to come back with me.” He took a moment before speaking again, steeling himself before talking about Manchester. “I lost a lot of friends. I don’t want to lose anyone else.”

Hayley considered the implications there. After a long, long moment she leaned closer to him. "...are you thinking about doing this so you'll be sure to never lose me?" she asked. Because that was what she took from his words.

Bradley was quiet for a breath or two, then nodded. “It crossed my mind. And I want to be with you. Both in general and like that. I just...don’t think it would be a terrible thing if it happened.” Which was probably not the right way to look at it because Oz had seemed pretty set on it being a bad idea.

She was quiet again, then she finally moved closer, and leaned in to give him a soft kiss. She didn't know what to do still, but the sentiment there required action. Action that told about her feelings for him, and the fact that she was touched by his ideas on their future.

He wrapped an arm around her when she leaned in close, giving her another kiss in return. “I want you to be happy. And I don’t want to lose you,” he told her softly, keeping her close to him. “Whatever you decide, I’m willing to do.”

"Let's just take it as it comes." Hayley suggested. Cuz making a decision right now seemed too overwhelming. Like they were going to seal their fate, just because the idea was presented. Instead, she was thinking they should just do what felt right. Maybe eventually she'd figure out exactly what she wanted. and maybe that was going to be him. But she wanted to give him time to think it over better too, just in case he wanted to back down. Either way, however, she put her arms around his neck, and kissed him again.

“I think that makes sense,” he said with a small nod, pulling her towards him more as she kissed him. Just because they’d decide to see how it went didn’t mean they needed to slow down right? They knew the consequences, they would know when they got to that point and right now? Kissing her made far more sense than the rest.

Sometimes it seemed like the nonverbal made more sense than anything in the entire world. Just that contact with him, the way he made her feel. It all played in together, all swept up into one far less complicated sensation. Which was part of the problem if they weren't really meant to be going with this kind of thing. So, sooner than she wanted to, she pulled back, though not very far.

He didn’t like her pulling away even if it made some sense give then topic of conversation. So when she did, he let her, moving his head so he could see her face. “Are you still upset?” he asked softly. She felt like she might be, but he still wasn’t entirely sure.

"More 'confused' and 'lost' than 'upset'." she admitted. "I don't know. I...sort of wonder how much we should be allowing, considering." she said. "Do we need lines? Like...do we need to step back from things? Do we not? I don't know what we need to do."

Bradley twisted a bit of her hair around his fingers, thinking about that for a long moment before answering. “Do you think lines would help with you being confused and lost? Or stepping back, would it help?”

Hayley put real thought into that. The answer wasn't so simple. "I don't know." she finally answered. "In some ways, if we had clear lines, maybe that would help?" she said, but she sounded as unsure as she felt. "But I know when I'm with you, I'm not exactly thinking. It's more...there's this rush, and I just go with things, and it's not about thoughts. I don't know if it would help me. What about you?"

He considered it just as much as she did, trying to think through the situation before talking. “I’m not, not always thinking either, but maybe if there were lines then I’d be more aware of it, realize it enough to stop us,” he said.

She considered that, biting at her lower lip as she gazed at him. The sad part was that a while back, when she wasn't a werewolf, she'd have been more than capable of putting the breaks on. She'd probably not even be thinking about going all the way with a boy. Not even a little bit. But now? Things were different. She was different. And that side of her was all the more pronounced when before it had been all but dormant. "You'd be able to get us to stop?"

There was a moment where his heartbeat ticked up faster at the sight of her biting her lip in concentration like that. It was just one of the things she did that was so cute he couldn’t help but get slightly caught up in it. Swallowing he gave her a little nod. “I can try. Or at least..say something.”

"Okay." she said. She wasn't sure saying something would do anything. Her hormones were like a freight train at the moment, with that extra kick of being a werewolf now? Yeah. It was hard to imagine him just saying something would do much. But she guessed it was all they could do. At least give it a shot, anyways. Hell, part of her wanted to push him back into the sand and see if they could test the theory.

He watched her for moment then nodded. “Okay...where should the line be?” he asked figuring that was the next plan of action. There was no guarantee this would work, but maybe the more the clarified things the more it would be set in his head when it came down to it.

She ticked her gaze up from where she'd been staring at his lips, a clear sort of distracted twitch going through her as she refocused on his eyes. She almost said 'huh'? but didn't, sort of mentally rewinding so she got what he said. "I'm not sure. I guess we need to decide how far we want this going on a more regular basis?" she suggested, unsure. And part of her really hated this. She wanted it to be more natural than this. And 'natural' to her right now meant 'feel it out' not 'talk it out'.

He could tell she wasn’t focused, that she was distracted and not sure about her answers. It had him wondering if she didn’t want to talk about things, if it was the wrong route to go down which had him rubbing at the back of his neck awkwardly. “I think that works. I like..where we’ve been?”

"Okay." she said. Which was him being fully naked, she realized. Which might not actually be a great thing. Because then it wasn't at all difficult to skip to her losing clothes, and--lord. Why was this so hard? She didn't want it to be complicated like this. Shouldn't the worst thing that happened be they had to worry about condoms and pregnancy? Not life altering weirdness on her end?

Bradley stared at her for a moment then sighed loudly. “You have to give me something to work with Hayley. Either that or...well maybe we should just pull everything back.”

Wincing, she looked down. "I'm sorry. I know I'm not giving enough. I just...I don't know. I guess I'm disappointed that things have to be like this. And I don't really know how much I'm going to be going for. Like, before? This wouldn't remotely be a problem. But now it is. And I know we should talk about it, and really sort of...i don't know, nail things down, but like two seconds ago I was sitting here thinking what I really wanted to do was push you back and see about testing your ability to call a halt."

“Well... we can’t really avoid it. I’d like to just..say we won’t go there, but I feel like you have to tell me where there is Hayley.” Bradley sighed again and moved away, leaning back more with his elbows against the sand. Probably not the best idea considering what she’d just said, but in a way it helped him think.

It definitely wasn't a good position considering what she'd said. Because it sparked up vivid fantasies that immediately started dancing through her head. "I don't have the answers. We can't...do it. But I know how much I want to be with you, and my self control isn't great anymore. So maybe you're right. Maybe we do need to back off entirely. But then I feel like if we say that, then we might just be causing problems for ourselves too because then it'll be 'forbidden', and that might just mean it's like, sexier or something, and..." she trailed off. "I'm sorry."

He nodded slowly, agreeing with most of what she said. “I don’t want to stop,” he added, feeling terrible for saying it but it was the honest truth. He didn’t want to stop. Being with her was grounding and it was near impossible to be anyone else but him in those moments.

She kept her eyes on him, and leaned closer, though she stopped just shy of what she wanted to do--which was crawl over. "I don't want to either." she told him. "Truthfully, I'm not sure I'd be able to. I mean, not that it's all I'm interested in, because I'm not. But I just...it's a part of everything and I don't want to deny that."

“I should have guessed that’s all you wanted me for,” Bradley teased lightly, giving her a bit of a smile, hoping to lighten things at least a little. “Then we don’t deny it, we just keep from it going that far. There's still…other ground to cover between here and there. And Oz said it was 'play' which isn't a bad thing right?"

She giggled at his teasing. Then she did drop down a little, crawling over towards him, though she made it a slow progression. Eventually she was looking down at him, hair down over her shoulders framing her face. "Play. Right." she agreed. "And sure, there's a lot of ground to cover." she said, even if she didn't quite know what that might entail. But she guessed they'd have to figure it out.

She didn’t need to do that. She didn’t need to crawl over to him or lean over him and look as adorable as she did and agree about playing. It has his mind going to all the wrong places or the right places depending on who was asking. “Plenty of ground,” he said, voice a little tight.

She heard the change in his voice, and she leaned down a little closer. "Something the matter?" she asked, tone playful. He'd started it, was her justification. He'd teased her, and there was him leaning back in the first place. That counted, right?

“You are...you are tempting,” Bradley told her, watching her eyes for a moment before leaning forward and taking her cheek in one hand to pull her towards him. “And you know it.”

She smiled as he pulled her closer, and she went willingly of course. Happily, even. She nuzzled lightly at his nose for a moment, before she kissed him. "So are you." she told him. "You know you've been distracting since you leaned back, right?" she asked, wanting to know if he knew or not just how enticing that had been.

He smiled as he kissed her back pulling her in for another before she could get too far away. “I was thinking it might do that, but I’m never really sure.” He’d never noticed any effect he had on girls, not since Hayley at least. He knew he wasn’t ugly, but tempting and enticing weren’t words he would have used.

Kissing him back, she pushed his shoulders back to the sand, resting her weight more against his chest. Then she pulled back, smiling down at him. She liked that look. Of him laying back like that, beneath her. That was probably it. That she liked the view from where she was. "Well, be sure that you get my attention when you do things like that."

He grinned when she pushed him back, mind instantly going to what she’d said before about having him back against the sand and while she looked down at him, he smiled up at her. “Well you were already talking about it. You’re the one who put the idea in my head,” he teased her lightly, reaching up to twist her hair in his fingers again. “What else gets your attention?”

She blushed, looking shy for a moment. "Things that I wouldn't have been able to experience before?" she said. "Like...your heartbeat. I like when I hear it get faster. And I like listening to when your breathing gets a little ragged. And your scent kind of changes a little bit when you're...interested."

The first two things he understood, especially since in a way, he liked feeling those same things. It was nice she got to share in them as well. The scent comment though, that had his eyes going a little wider. “It changes?” he asked, looking at her curiously. “Like...bad or weird or something?”

Shaking her head, she immediately put that fear to rest. "No, not weird or bad. I like it. It's just...different. Not a whole lot? Maybe it's pheromones or something. I have no idea, I just know that it changes, just a little bit. And I like it."

He nodded slightly, thinking that it wasn’t entirely a bad thing. “I’m a bit jealous. I miss out on those sorts of things,” he said. He didn’t want the werewolf thing, but she had to admit there were a few positives, things that were different that he wished he could experience with her. “At least you like it though. That’s a good sign right? I think something in biology said that was a good sign.”

There was a split second where she almost thought that she could tell him she could bite him. Then they'd both be werewolves, they'd both be dealing with the same things, and maybe they could just do that mating thing, and they could have a happy if strange life together. But she still wouldn't really wish her anguish on anyone, even if the idea of not being so alone with it was appealing on a dark level in her heart. She glanced away a moment before she looked back. "It's a good sign." she told him firmly.

Something else had been there, something had been on her mind before she looked away and before she spoke again. He gave her a curious look, showing that he’d noticed, but he didn’t directly ask, not wanting to upset her. They’d done enough upsetting talking already today, there was no need to add to it. “Then I say we put it in the pro-us column.”

"Definitely." she said, going in for a kiss again. If for no other reason than to quiet that little voice in the back of her head that wondered what it would be like if they were just fully in this together.