what you want

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Submitted by Dorian (winglessangel) on Sat, 01/07/2012 - 01:39

Who: Dorian and Jen
Where: Alexandria
When: late morning

Dorian was tired and he was pretty sure it showed. His hair was a bit of a mess from his hands being in it, the steaming cup of coffee in front of him was his third and it wasn’t working. Being Famine was usually pretty straight forward, usually a matter of clearing up information and setting people straight. The problem this time was that, in order to keep Star’s balance, setting them straight meant wiping out a community. He hated it, in a way, but at the same time he realized the point. It just couldn’t be. Normally the job just made sense, he was distanced from the results, but this time he’d been in it, the informed source that was explaining why death was the right option.

It didn’t lend to sleeping the night before at all.

Eventually he’d given up, making his way to the shop while he worked on random projects, other questions people had that had nothing to do with being Famine, as well as writing up spell structures for things that had come to mind. He didn’t think much would come of it, but it was worth running by the witches in his life. Maybe he could make a habit of it, writing out structures for witches who were too lazy to do the work themselves.

It hadn’t been Jen’s intention to go to Alexandria that morning but her morning run had taken her to that part of town and she realised she hadn’t actually spoken to Dorian since Caleb had been admitted to the hospital. Slowing down to a slow jog, she headed towards the store figuring she at least owed it to him to tell her where she was staying these days and she could could maybe get an update on Caleb. Pushing open the door, she couldn’t help but be taken aback by the sheer volume of books in there and it was a moment before she thought to look for the cash register where she assumed Dorian would be.

Dorian looked up when the door opened, a habit that never really resulted in much. He’d set the store up so the bookcases blocked his counter from view, finding that it made it easier on most customers, not wanting to be bombarded with him at the first instant, and in his own defensive technique. He might not be able to see them, but they couldn’t see him, or confirm he was there. There was a quiet moment while he waited then eventually called out. “Back here if you need me,” he said, voice echoing a little as he went back to the notes in front of him on the counter where he had the few books spread out.

Turning towards the source of the voice, she weaved around a couple of bookcases and quickly found herself up in front by the counter. “Hey Dorian,” she said, a touch of shyness colouring her voice at seeing him again; fairly understandable given the state she’d been in the last time they’d spoken.

Dorian looked up when she spoke, giving her a smile, not sure what had her so shy. Silently he hoped it wasn’t a crush thing. He’d already been threatened with death about that and he was not going there again. “Hey Jen,” he greeted instead, not able to fight the tired sound to his voice. “What brings you by?”

“I was in the neighbourhood on my run and I thought I should swing by, let you know where I’m staying now,” she explained, frowning a little at how tired he sounded. “Are you okay though? You sound beat.” The question ‘Is everything okay with Caleb’ quickly followed it in her head but she kept to herself for the time being.

Dorian made a small face. “I feel really shitty that I don’t think I realized you weren’t sleeping my basement anymore.” Not that he’d been around much. Either he was here, being Famine or checking in on his brother at the hospital. Running a hand through his hair he nodded, smiling even though it looked tired. “I’m alright. Didn’t sleep so great least night. Where are you now? Do you need anything?” He guessed Caleb would help her if she did, which meant while Caleb was hole up at the hospital, Dorian was willing to make the same offer.

Jen shrugged and shifted her weight a little. “It’s okay, I know you keep as odd hours as I do and it’s not like we were crossing paths a whole lot anyway,” she said, a wry half-smile pulling at her lips. “But I’m staying with Dean and Thia. They’ve got more than enough space and I didn’t want to still be taking up Caleb’s space when he gets out of hospital.” She didn’t mention the other major reason she’d moved out, not really wanting to get into that with Dorian but his offer did make her smile grow a little. “I’m fine though thanks.”

Dorian nodded. “Sorry about that. I like Dean though, he’s a decent guy.” He frowned for a moment when she mentioned giving Caleb space. Given the way things had seemed he’d thought they would be fine with sharing the same space. “Well he’s not one to take up much space, but I’m sure Caleb understands. And if you do need something let me know. Be glad to help.”

“I will,” she said, nodding more than was probably necessary. After a moment of uncomfortable silence, she ventured asking after Caleb. “How’s he doing by the way? I haven’t spoken to him a few days, I figure he’s gotta be coming home soon right?”

That got a curious look out of Dorian, frowning a little. “He’s healing. It’s been a bit of a process, but he’ll get there. Should be home soon actually. I’m surprised he’s stayed this long. I was worried he’d be out the door the first night.” He paused for a moment, watching Jen. “Something happen?”

Shit. “It’s kind of complicated,” she said, rubbing the back of her neck nervously, wishing she hadn’t asked now. “What happened in Manchester...There’s baggage, Caleb got involved and now I’m trying to get my head straight. He doesn’t need me around him right now with all that going on.”

“It’s Caleb, complicated is sort of the starting point with him,” Dorian said trying to be reassuring. He waited though, letting her talk. “Did he say that or did you come up with it?”

Jen shook her head. “He said I should give myself time to figure out where my head’s at and as he’s part of that, it made sense to put some space between us for a while,” she explained. “And I don’t want him worrying about me, not with everything’s that happened so I’m taking myself out of the picture. He knows where I am if he needs to find me.”

Dorian nodded, tapping his pencil against the counter while he thought. “Where’s your head at when it comes to Caleb?” he asked, guessing there was something more going on there than just friends. If they were just friends, distance wouldn’t really be necessary. “And no matter what space you put between you two he’s going to worry or at least think about you. That’s what kind of friend he is. Even when he’s not there, you’re in his head.”

Feeling like this was a really weird conversation to be having with Caleb’s brother, Jen let out a small sigh and went to perch on the table next to the counter. “Conflicted in a word,” she told him, wondering what, if anything, Dorian knew about what had happened in Manchester.

Dorian did know and he’d been filled in on what parts he might not have known about in the moment. He waited, giving her time when raised an eyebrow. “Care to elaborate?”

“Not especially,” she replied with a small humorless laugh “But I suppose I should. I like him, quite a lot actually but then all the shit with Stu happened and now I can’t look at Caleb without seeing what happened. That’s without getting into all the left over stuff from before we even met...” She trailed off and looked at the floor.

Dorian considered that, turning over how complicated it was in his head. He wasn’t the best at relationships, but he was good with situations and consequences for the most part if he looked at it objectively which made this a mess. “Because he’s the one who took Stu out...” he said, half to clarify, half to make sure it got said. “Does it change you see Caleb?”

“Yeah,” she said quietly, not looking up. “And I knew that’s what he did, he took out vampires and that’s a good thing, what Stu had become was hurting people. That doesn’t mean I can forget who Stu was though and I saw Caleb kill him.” She glanced up at Dorian then, her eyes turning glassy. “So yeah, it changes how I see him.”

“And you saw Stu essentially kill Caleb,” Dorian pointed out, since technically yes, his brother had died. That he didn’t die was technicality of a wish, nothing else. “But I’m guessing Caleb is less the charming hero and something else?”

The words stung and immediately Jen’s defences flew up, her expression hardening a touch. “Thanks to my visions I’d already seen Stu do far worse than what he did to Caleb,” she said quietly, trying to keep the anger out of her voice. “My opinion of him could not have gotten any worse. I know Caleb did the right thing putting him down.”

She might have hardened but Dorian softened a little. “No one said the right thing is easy to deal with. Most of the time it’s not,” he said, voice trying for gentle, understanding. “I’m used to what Caleb can do, I’ve seen it, he’s saved my life doing it, saved others lives. But this guy wasn’t some creep with fangs trying to eat you out of rage. It was someone you were close to, who isn’t what he was before. That isn’t supposed to be easy and no matter how right it was for Caleb to do what he did, he killed your boyfriend. It’s okay if part of you doesn’t think Caleb is all good guy here. No matter what Stu was now or what he’d done doesn’t change who he was to you.”

Feeling more than a little confused now, Jen frowned and looked at the floor; first Dorian seemed to be giving her a hard time about seeing Caleb differently, now he was apparently empathising with her position leaving her unsure what to think. Which was pretty much her default setting these days when she thought about it. “What exactly are you trying to tell me here Dorian?” she asked, looking back up at him, a myriad of emotions playing behind her eyes.

“That it’s okay if things are different now,” he said slowly. Dorian reached out, touching the top of her head lightly. “That’s all. I know how he can be and how he seems to draw people in as much as he wishes he didn’t.” He’d never been lecturing her about seeing Caleb differently, just trying to sort out if that was the case.

She could believe that and thought of the all the people she’d seen pictures of in Caleb’s hospital room, faces she knew and faces she didn’t and couldn’t help but wonder if that was all she was going to be in Caleb’s life now - a face in his sketchbooks. Squeezing her eyes closed, a tear escaped her lids and trailed slowly down her face, almost reaching her jaw before she wiped it away. “I don’t want things to be different,” she said quietly, as much as an admission to herself as it was a reply to Dorian.

Dorian hated to see anyone hurt, let alone wasn’t really equipped for a girl crying. Reaching down the counter he found a box of tissues, handing it to her. “No? I say tell him that. Sometimes that works for him.”

“It doesn’t matter if I don’t want things to be different,” Jen replied, tugging a few tissues from the offered box and dabbing her eyes with them. “They are different and Caleb realised that before I did. We can’t go back to how it was before.”

Dorian nodded, then looked at her carefully. “So you figure out where you want to go from here then,” he said. “What else can you do?”

She shrugged her shoulders, tissues still balled up in her hand. “I don’t know whether it that’s simple,” she admitted looking back at him. “I mean just because I want something, doesn’t mean it’s possible does it?”

“Not always, but if you don’t try you’ll never know right?” Just hearing the words come out of his mouth Dorian thought of Kayos’ wish, how this was where it had come true. He believed what he was saying, that if he wanted something it was worth trying for even if it couldn’t happen. “Figuring out what you want is simple and no, making it happen isnt’, but you have to start somewhere. Given how you’re feeling right now? Figuring out what you want sounds like the best place to start. Sort out what you want and then what you can and can’t live with out. Prioritize and go forward.” He smiled a little, rubbing at the back of his neck. “As you can probably guess, I’m a list maker. That doesn’t always work for everyone, but sometimes it’s good to get your thoughts down on paper.”

“Right,” Jen echoed, though her voice lacked conviction. What Dorian was saying did make sense for the most part though and his point about trying to get things on paper did strike a chord. Perhaps if she could things written out in black and white then it might be easier to work out how to go forwards. “Thanks Dorian.”

Dorian wasn’t sure if it was helping, but at least she seemed to be on board. “Yeah, no problem. Let me know what I can do to help otherwise alright? I owe you in a way. I would have never known he was there.”

A faint blush appeared on her cheeks along with the hint of a self-conscious smile and she rubbed the back of her neck. “I did what I had to do,” she said simply turning to head out of the store. “Thanks again Dorian,” she said, sounding more genuine this time as she disappeared out of view between the stacks and headed out the door.

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