Written Yesterday, Delivered Today

Kitten

Not that I guess it matters. You’ve always been Thia to me. I’ve never noticed the difference before.

I suppose that by writing that it means I’ve noticed the difference now.

I have loved you for a long time now. Since before you died. So, no matter what your history, I have loved you. Lullaby, Thia – the girl I used to sit and have lunch with, the almost-deaf girl who I stood up for in the face of stupid bigoted people who wanted to sell her short because they couldn’t think laterally. That’s the girl I fell for.

I love you.

Whatever your decision, I’m not going to hide that. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t anymore. What I did when this first happened – I wish I’d just told you straight out because I don’t want to hide how I feel about you, because it’s too important for that. I love you, you loved me. We were great together and I want that again.

But it’s not just up to me. I can lay my heart on the line and from last night, I think I stand a pretty good chance, but I can’t make you do anything, or feel anything. And I’ll want to be honest with you and if you choose not to go back, then maybe you won’t like what you hear. I know, if you stay Lullaby, you might not want me. But, if that happens, it won’t be for lack of trying. And if you go back to being Thia, I want you to know that I would have never, ever given up on us. Never.

When I sat down to write this, I thought for a bit that I’d do two letters, one to give you, depending on what you decided. Focused to who you’ll be.

I decided pretty quickly that that was the wrong thing to do. For both of us. I have always been honest with you (okay - can we just take that whole ‘I didn’t tell you for ages’ thing and just put it in a box or something? Because I had reasons for that and if you want to go into them, I'd like to do it separately and I'll tell you reasons. generally, I've been honest). I don't want to have a situation where I've 'tailored' that honesty. I don't want a situation where you even have to wonder if I would have said something different had you made another choice.

So, this is it. And I'm aware that I'm writing to you with two very different pasts. So, at times, this might sound a little weird, and at times I know I'll focus it more towards one of you than the other – and usually, that's going to be Lullaby!you. Because Thia!you knows me so much better and she'll be able to read between the lines.

So, where do I start?

I don't regret the last six months, not for what it's given me. I regret it for what it's taken from you. I've done a lot of thinking on that today. I talked to Scott this morning, that's what really set me on course. He made a wish – I don't know whether to go into that right now. I know I will eventually, but I don't want to get off track. Let's leave it that he wanted to do good for his friends, and in the end it screwed things up (sound familiar? Maybe it's just the Conway charm...)

Anyway, he was talking and he said that he had been trying to make it better for them, that he'd felt like they hadn't coped with what they'd been through and that he was trying to help them to cope. But that now he was seeing the effects, he'd realised they were coping and that it was him that wasn't.

Now, knowing his friends, I don't agree with the substance there (Brad thinks he's a bloody Ranger from a D&D game, Colin's attitude makes the SAS look like pansys and Misha mostly doesn't speak – that's not well rounded and coping in my book...), but the concept made me take a good look at myself. And some of what I saw worried me.

Did I do this for me?

Maybe, some of it. I mean, looking back, there was that possibility. I can't say I'm blameless (when have you EVER heard me say that?). The last six months haven't been easy for me either. I've had to do things I would happily lose. But my first thing is – I didn't. I remember everything. All those things you've forgotten. My memories are still intact. And if you don't remember them when you read this, you may be better off not knowing. That said – I've never been able to deny you anything. I'll tell you what you want to know. No matter what it does. Just please remember that before that wish, we were together and happy and we'd dealt with it all. And we were still together.

But even then, I remember what I wanted for you. And it wasn't what we got.

This is what I wanted. I can paint you a picture. I wanted you not to have a father who is a maniac. I wanted you not to have been at a fair with your boyfriend and been shot in the stomach whilst holding a rabbit he'd won for you. I wanted you not to bleed to death in his arms. I wanted him not to have to realise how helpless a person can be. I wanted not to have to learn on the morning news that you were dead, and see the emptiness echoed in your mother's eyes. See your step-father supporting her at the funeral as they cried over a coffin I couldn't go near because I didn't want to remember you like that.

But mostly, I didn't want you to wake up, naked, alone with a monster. I didn't want you to have to get away from him and be so very alone. I wanted you to have your true parents back. Parents who loved you and would protect you and who would allow you to be whatever you wanted to be. I wanted you to never have to be so alone as I know you felt when you found me. I wanted you never to have to feel trapped like I know Oz made you feel – and how being mother to my brother and his friends is making you feel right now.

I'm sorry that this life has cornered you. I know you never seem to leave the house. You're seventeen and life has dumped all of these responsibilities onto you and from what you've told me recently, you're drowning. I wanted to give you an out.

He's my brother, not yours. And I'm going to ask Oz to take them, no matter what. I can't cope, and you can't cope. And Lullaby definitely can't cope. We're too young, too inexperienced and too close to the situation.

In my head, you'd be alive, but most other things would remain the same. I can't understand it, you know. My motivations in the other way. Why we weren't together. I've thought about it almost constantly and it makes no sense to me. I wouldn't make a move when you were with Jay. That makes sense. I don't know how long it was between you and Jay and you and Bobby. I would have waited, and there was the issue that Jay and I were borderline friends, but still – not real friends and I loved you. But after you and Bobby? From what you've said, it's been a while. With my way of remembering things, there was you and Jay, then you died, then you and Jay split up, then there was ungodly hordes of crap. But I made my move.

But, in my line, you liked me. And I could tell. When I first kissed you, I had a good idea I wasn't about to be dismissed. Not totally certain, but – well, let's leave it at the fact that if we hadn't been going through interesting times I would have kissed you a whole lot earlier.

Why the hell didn't I the other way?

I guess we'll never know. For Lullaby: I am not that guy. I am still the Dean you knew, only more confident, more open, more expressive and less likely to blame myself for the clouds in the sky. And that's down to you. From the moment we met, you've been working on me. And you got through.

Have a gold star, you've made someone's life better.

Whatever you decided, I will be here, because I don't believe there's a Lullaby Amaratha Draven, also known as Thia Michelle Chambers that I do not love. I can not imagine a world without her. I don't want to imagine a world without her. Whatever world she wants that to be I will do my utmost best to give it to her. For the rest of my life.

And I seriously mean that.