wrong - private journal entry

How do you define a life? That's something I really would have waffled over answering before, or given some sort of dreamy sweet version of a point of view. But I think I know what makes a life now. Or, I feel like I do today. What makes a life is the experiences that go into it. Living, and all the things that you participate in, the events that happen to you, around you. We are what our experiences make us.

I keep getting told these things happened to me. Crazy things. And they're so far outside my ability to comprehend that sometimes it feels like I'm in the middle of some grand joke and any second, Dean'll smile, and tell me people've just been messing with me. But I know that isn't the case. Not after talking to Nic, and getting those printed emails from Megan.

Talking to Dean was one thing. Talking to Nic and Caleb was another. But reading words written in my own voice? That I can't even begin to describe. I don't know how to go there, I don't know how to fully process it. And what's worse is I feel like this Thia person could. Like what I am is really some extremely pale shadow of who she was. Like no matter what happens I couldn't possibly measure up to this girl who lived, died, made a family and had a love that apparently inspired the people around her.

Yeah, I am really not even near good enough to live up to that. I don't have any of the qualities that they tell me she's got. Like being good in a crisis. I hide when bad things hit town. It's all I've got, it's a defense mechanism. I can't even begin to think about what it would take to go in head first for something. To go save people like Dean told me I did. To be that girl that people seem to miss so much.

Everyone seems to think I should go back. And they're probably right. I feel wrong. I feel like whatever happened here is a screw up, that I'm a screw up and I don't want to be the ill fitting piece in the world. But because I'm not that girl, god. Pulling the trigger on it...

I keep typing up a text to Dean. I keep trying to send him a message about maybe him doing whatever it is that reverses the wishes. Drink the vial or whatever. I still have the one I got for making him a telekenetic. That at least seems to be a wish that worked out. Nic said maybe it was people wishing for others that got the screwed end of the deal, but I don't think so. I think sometimes the universe is just mean. Maybe I'll text Megan instead, and see what she has to say. Get that third opinion, see if it's the same thing. I don't know. I just feel like everything sucks right now. And all I want to do is go curl up in bed and pretend it's not happening. Which again, just makes me feel weak and not the girl I'm supposed to be if everyone can be believed and I think they can be. Urgh. This all just really, really sucks. I wish the decision was taken out of my hands. I didn't do this to myself, I shouldn't have to make the decision to fix it.